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JOKE THREAD: Post all your jokes here!

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  • #31
    Great thread guys, keep updating
    Artie Lange: I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

    Comment


    • #32
      Our commentators make really a lot of mistakes, but most of them are impossible to translate... Anyway, here are some of the ones that can be translated...

      Dariusz Szpakowski would be probably the world champion in this category:

      "Carl Lewis came to Milano to see this match" - above mentioned Darek Szpakowski said this after he saw Marcel Desailly at the stands at San Siro

      "Montenegro Savicevic" - He was constantly repeating this as he thought Montenegro is his name...

      "Johann Cruyff prefered tactical changes to changes that changed the tactic of the team"

      "Miros***322;aw Trzeciak scored a goal after an individual effort of the whole team"

      "To this phase, when the loser is losing we still have some time..."

      And a last one, from other commentator:

      "You've got to choose, beauty or weight lifting... Zhanna Pintusevich-Block has chosen the second option"

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      • #33
        I'll tell you a joke about bulgarian teams but I'll change the names to take a revenge for the ManU fans and the first joke from this topic. :wink: Sorry for the poor translation!

        The managers of Manchester U., Aresenal and Liverpool went to a fortune-teller. They asked the old woman which team will became a champion. She took out a magic old coin and told them: "Now I'll throw this coin and if it's a head Manchester U. will be number one, if it's a tail Aresenal will take the Premiership." The Liverpool manager was shocked: "And what about Liverpool"? "Don't worry, you will be champions if the coins stay on its thin side." :wink:

        I'll also show you how good are the female sport journalists. The team from my home town was in third division so the local correspondent of the National Radio was just calling offair to tell the score at the half time and at the end. It was her first match and she reported 2:0 for the home team at half time. After the match she reported 2:1 FT.
        - Are you sure? - said the anchroman.
        - 100% sure!
        - But your colleagues from other medias reported 3:0?!
        - No they are wrong. I'm at the stadium and I'm telling you it's 2:1.
        And then a voice (of a fan) near the correspondent was heard:
        - Oh, you stupid woman! At the half time they changed the field sides! :lol:

        Her next goof was when she didn't saw which player was yellow booked. So she rushed between the police officers, went to the referee and asked him which player was booked. The referee was shocked and stayed frozen while she was removed by the officers. :lol:

        I'll leave the biggest mistakes of the bulgarian commentators to other BA members from my country but I'll tell you the most famous phrase ever. It was told by the tv commentator when in October of 1993 at the Parc de Princes Stadium in Paris Emil Kostadinov scored in the last minute for our 2:1 victory over France and brought Bulgaria to World Cup 1994 finals: "God is definately a bulgarian!"

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        • #34
          I remember that victory when Kostadinov scored. David Ginola had taken a corner AWFULLY WRONGLY and Bulgaria scored on the counter attack. Ginola was (if I'm not mistaking) never called up for national selection again.

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          • #35
            He was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

            The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?" Again he said "You've got to keep the old motor running."

            The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!" He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

            The nurse then said "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black!"
            :lol:

            Comment


            • #36
              Originally posted by skatej
              Our commentators make really a lot of mistakes, but most of them are impossible to translate... Anyway, here are some of the ones that can be translated...
              You forgot

              "Only two pushes and the Italian will be happy" (about Josefa Idem, rowing)
              "The Swedes are dangerous opponents because they are not dangerous after all"
              "Now everything is in the hands of the horse"
              "The situation changed the direction of 360 degrees"
              "The goal is when the whole circuit of the ball passes the distance which is the same as the circuit of the ball" (Nobel prize from maths)
              My favourite Adam Choynowski from Polish Eurosport: "I'm telling Sampras to lift the ball, but he's not listening to me. But how can he listen if he cannot hear me?"
              "Three minutes left, which is about 100 seconds"
              "As you can see, you cannot see anything in this fog"
              "I admire his mediocre psychical attributes"
              "Leszek Blanik's coach is sitting next to me since more than four years"
              "18 seconds left till the end of Berqvist"
              "Yes !!! The German lost her head"
              "I hope that he'll be able to play after he had been freezed by the doctors"
              "One minute added to the first half of the field"
              "Here we got the twins: Frank and Ronald de Boer and majority of them plays in Barcelona"
              "The manual attributes of his leg"
              "Holyfield is as slow as ketchup"
              "Marin is very slow. He reminds me of the bandwagon filled with the cabbage"

              And my favourite, the real POETRY:

              "Tomaszewski has built the invisible wall of his own desire"
              Thanks, Peter !
              Originally posted by DonJuanKieputo
              Im eating today chocclate like ****

              Comment


              • #37
                Ex-Yugoslavian heroes Mujo and Haso (best friends) talking

                Mujo: Haso, have you decide which girl you gonna maried ?
                Haso: Look, i called them (4 girls) and ask them a simple question.. how much is 2+2 !
                i ask first one
                She told me : 2+2 is 3 ! I saw she is stupid so i decide to tell her to go home
                Second girl told me : 2+2 ...hmmm sometimes is 3, sometimes is 5..
                Oh, man... i think to myself...;maybe she is philosophyst ...so i decided to skip her .
                I aks third one same question and she told me :
                It will be as you sad !
                Woooow, i couldn't believe it ! i was feeling great...finally..great girl
                Mujo: So Haso, you decides to marie 3rd girl
                Haso: NO MY FRIEND. 4th one !
                Mujo: Why her ?
                Haso: She have biggest tits !!!

                :lol: :lol: :lol:

                Comment


                • #38
                  Come on guys we have to keep this thread alive

                  Here are some funny sport quotes

                  "Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
                  -Ron Atkinson

                  "I'm not an athlete. I'm a professional baseball player."
                  -John Kruk

                  "I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
                  -Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf

                  "Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win."
                  -Doug Collins

                  "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
                  -Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

                  "Play some Picasso."
                  -Former New Jersey Net Chris Morris, to a piano player at a hotel bar while trying to impress a date.

                  "Better teams win more often than the teams that are not so good."
                  -Tom Watt, ex-Maple Leaves coach (his team was not so good)

                  "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious"
                  -Alan Minter

                  "I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn't spell it."
                  -Boxing great Rocky Graziano

                  "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
                  -Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota, 1996.

                  "My handicap is that I don't have a big enough beer cooler for the back of my golf cart."
                  -Pro football linebacker Rick D'Amico, on his golf handicap.

                  "All I had to do is keep turning left!"
                  -George Robson, Winner of the 1946 Indy 500

                  "Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago..."
                  -David Coleman

                  "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
                  -Terry Venables

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Pilot of airplane speaking to passengers :"we can`t land in Dubrovnik due to bad weather and because of that we are going to SPLIT" (town in Croatia) :lol: :lol:

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      A bus station is where bus stops.
                      A train station is where train stops.
                      On my desk, I have a work station....

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        What about the macedonian national team?
                        Pele,Maradona and Darko Pancev(a macedonian football legend ) are going to God
                        First enters PELE and he asks God: When is brazil going to be a world champion?
                        Probably in about 8 yrs.
                        Pele started crying.Why do you cru men-asks God.I don't know would i be still alive-sais PELE
                        Maradona enters and asks the same question God replies in about 12 yrs
                        Now Maradona cries God asks why Maradona sais that he didn't knew whether he still lives by then or not.
                        Here is Pancev vith the same question
                        Suddenly God starts crying.
                        Pancev asks God why is he crying
                        God answers : Idont know will I be ALIVE TILL THEN
                        __________________________________________________ _________
                        Amd of the macedonian comentators:
                        WOW how fast is going that ball.It has splitted the air on Hydrogenium and Oxygenium

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          -A man got asleep infront of his computer during the work, and when he woke up, he found out that he got a flu...

                          -Do you know why ?

                          -Because the WINDOWS(98 or XP doesn't matter ) was open...

                          :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
                          " KEEP ON WALKING "

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            http://www.zippyvideos.com/622436090...6/sexy_soccer/
                            We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are.

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Originally posted by Vukasin Micunovic
                              He was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

                              The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?" Again he said "You've got to keep the old motor running."

                              The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!" He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

                              The nurse then said "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black!"
                              :lol:
                              :lol: :lol: :lol:
                              Get Rich, or Die Tryin'

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Let's say Barsa fan Xisco and Real Madrid fan Huan sits together in the airlplane next to eachother.

                                Xisco takes his shoes off, and go barefoot in the toillete. Huan ask him politely to bring him a beer on his way back.

                                While he's away, Huan spits couple of times in Huan's shoes.

                                Huan comes back with beer, Xisco say thanx..and it's all OK.

                                Then again Xisco goes to do something, and again Huan asks if he can bring him a beer coz he's tirsty again..

                                Then again, while Xisco is away..Huan spits in his shoes.

                                Xisco comes back, and see what happened, and say to Huan..

                                " Come on maaaan, what a hell is this? For how long this hate between our two teams will last, this madness and crazy behavior, for how long we will continue doing this awfull stuff, for how long we will spitt in eachothers shoes.................piss in eachothers beers......"

                                :P

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