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Old 04-12-02, 23:03   #1
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Default JOKE THREAD: Post all your jokes here!

A Liverpool fan, an Arsenal fan and a Man Utd. were all in Saudi Arabia,
sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of
a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for
the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were
sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very
good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to
life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial
finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released
after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for
their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday
today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your
whipping."

The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought
about this for a while and then said: Please tie a pillow to my back." This
was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went
through. The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with
pain when the punishment was done.

The Man Utd. fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after
watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please
fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes
before the whip went through again.

The Liverpool fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but
before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are
from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best and
most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Liverpool fan
replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me
not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also
very brave. "The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100
lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it
to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Please tie the Man Utd. fan to my back." :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Old 04-12-02, 23:05   #2
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That was mine! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Old 04-12-02, 23:07   #3
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'I would not be bothered if we lost every gamelong as we won the
league.' - Mark Viduka (Leeds)
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Old 04-12-02, 23:08   #4
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'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday
when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had
scored in the first minute at Birmingham.
My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered
he was out there playing.' - Ade Akinbiyi (Leicester)
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Old 04-12-02, 23:10   #5
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.................. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Old 04-12-02, 23:57   #6
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Default Bwahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa...

Bwahahhahahahaahhaaaaaaaa...
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Great jokes!
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Old 05-12-02, 08:51   #7
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I remember this deep thought :

"We scored at least a goal in each game we won."

but unfortunately, I forgot who is the author.
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Old 14-09-05, 22:13   #8
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:lol: :lol:
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Old 14-09-05, 22:42   #9
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Three guys are standing in front of the Great Chinese Wall. One is on LSD, one is on amphetamine and one is stoned with grass. They're wondering how to get to the other side. The guy on amphetamine says: "Oh ****, **** let's destroy it !!". The guy on LSD says: "Oh, no let's get invisible and we'll just go through the wall". And the guy on grass says: "Let's go for something to eat"
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Im eating today chocclate like ****
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Old 14-09-05, 22:46   #10
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Commenting on the team bad form, Joao Pinto (former right back and fcporto captain, not the forward who played in portuguese national team til 3 years ago):
" We are at the edge of a cliff, so we need to react and ake a step forward"
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Old 14-09-05, 22:48   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pradesh
Commenting on the team bad form, Joao Pinto (former right back and fcporto captain, not the forward who played in portuguese national team til 3 years ago):
" We are at the edge of a cliff, so we need to react and ake a step forward"
I guess it's an urban legend, cause the same is said about Polish communist prime minister Gomulka.

He also was to say: "Before the war we had nothing. Now we have twice more"
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Im eating today chocclate like ****
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Old 15-09-05, 00:10   #12
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The opening post is HILARIOUS, haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha :lol:
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Old 15-09-05, 00:19   #13
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in
Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of
our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the
bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle
and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
************************************************** ********************
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Old 15-09-05, 00:24   #14
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Liverpool - Everton JOKE 1

It's the Carling cup final and Everton are in it playing Liverpool. An Evertonian walks into a bar with a dog and the bar man says "Oh no, no animals aloud" and the Evertonian replys "Please mate he'll be good, we only want to watch the match!" So the bar man says "Ok but one bit of nonsence and your out!"
It's 2-0 to Liverpool and theres 30 seconds left, Big Duncan gets the ball and shoots 9 yards out and he scores! The final whistle has blown and Everton are runners up! The dog all of a sudden jumps onto the bar, stands up on its hind legs and gives everyone high fives! The bar man says "Thats amazing!!! Whats he do if Everton WIN a trophy!?" The evertonian replys "I have no idea I've only had him 14 years..."


Liverpool - Everton JOKE 2

Rafa Benitez and David Moyes done an interview for Radio City recently.

Both managers were asked what their aim for the new season was.

Moyes- "At Everton we want to avoid relegation"

Benitez- "We want to win the premiership, fa cup, league cup and the champions league."

Interviewer- "Rafa don't you think that's a bit far fetched"

Rafa- "David started it!"


Man Utd joke


Man utd have just opened a new fan hotline to allow fans discuss all things united. the number is 0800 10 10 10. i repeat it is 0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.
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Old 15-09-05, 00:30   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Satyr
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in
Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of
our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the
bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle
and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
************************************************** ********************
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
I hear this one in two other versions: about protestant and catholic pope and about Rangers and Celtic fans
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Im eating today chocclate like ****
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Old 15-09-05, 00:37   #16
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what are the basic two functions on the button of electonic dildo?

**** ON and **** OFF
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DonJuanKieputo View Post
Im eating today chocclate like ****
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Old 15-09-05, 11:39   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by George_Hanson
I guess it's an urban legend, cause the same is said about Polish communist prime minister Gomulka.

He also was to say: "Before the war we had nothing. Now we have twice more"
Yeah, there's a similar one here in Srbija.

Before the war we had nothing. Then communists arrived and took away everything we ever had.
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Old 15-09-05, 11:44   #18
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Good thread boyzzzzz :wink: Keep it going :lol:
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Old 15-09-05, 17:52   #19
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Velice Sumolikoski (Macedonian NT player) before the match Macedonia-Romania :
We will give our minimum to win this match !!!!


Yugoslavian commentators :

1. After danish referee Pedersen made a mistake :Pedersen, you really deserve this surname (Peder means gay, Pedersen=Gaysen)


2.What a goal by Mcmanamanaman !!!

3.We can remember Michael Stih's name after that famous american group New stih on the block

4.What a great save by the goalkeeper. After 1 minute :Why are the german players so happy? Hmm, it seems that the goalkeeper didn't save that ball. It's a goal

5.And now, after automobilisam let's see some horsisam (horse racing)

6. Broadcast from Turkey: Look at the people on the stadium. Only the police dogs don't have mustache

7.While the ball is in the air, let me tell you the starting line ups

8. This is something that i can't translate : (za Salke 04 igra Marko Kurz):
"Lopta do Kurca."


9. Zoran Savic won't play today. He had a little family problem. His mother died

10. This guy is from a little country in the middle of Atlantic ocean, called San Marino

11.You can recognize the Yugoslavian boxing champion from his white shorts and his opponent, Keniyan guy Motungua , from his black shorts

12.This is little swedish high jumper Kelly Ericson. She is here with her mum Maria. Mummy Maria is always with Kelly. And this strong guy you see is John Godina. He doesn't need his mummy here.

13.This ball presents a greater danger to the aeroplanes than to Partizan's goal


And black humor at the end:

A ***** girl is writing a letter to some magazine, asking for advice:

Hi, i'm 11 and i'm still a virgin. Do you think my father is homosexual ?
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Old 15-09-05, 18:05   #20
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This is the biggest joke.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Stitch
I'm not begginers, but something things I find intresting. I.e., if you maked bets, don't worried about results. Bet is doing.
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Old 15-09-05, 18:07   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ronnie 9
This is the biggest joke.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Stitch
I'm not begginers, but something things I find intresting. I.e., if you maked bets, don't worried about results. Bet is doing.
Thats well out of line Ronnie.
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Old 15-09-05, 18:07   #22
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I think it can be in thread about Jokes
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Old 15-09-05, 18:08   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by martinezZ
I think it can be in thread about Jokes
So somebody trying to speak a non-native language is someone to be made fun of? or to be called a joke? :roll:

I'm sorry but the only ones who are a joke imo are the ones making fun of the guy.
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Old 15-09-05, 18:14   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Computer Guy
Quote:
Originally Posted by martinezZ
I think it can be in thread about Jokes
So somebody trying to speak a non-native language is someone to be made fun of? or to be called a joke? :roll:

I'm sorry but the only ones who are a joke imo are the ones making fun of the guy.
Im sorry that right u CG with good sense for humour is telling that. We just awarded that, and I came home tired from 5 hours on courts and that refreshed me really. I hope Stitch understand it ...
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Old 15-09-05, 18:20   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minov
Yugolsavian commentators :
.....
God bless Zvonko and Dobrosav!!!
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Old 15-09-05, 18:38   #26
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I think that Slovakian sport commentators (99,56 % of them) are ones U cant imagine how boring and funny also in one point could be :roll: U dont know If cry or laugh
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Old 15-09-05, 23:37   #27
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Former sporting lisbon president, Sousa Cintra, in an interview (during his days in sporting the Maastricht treaty was being agreed in the European Union):

Interviewer - What do you think about Maastricht?

Sousa Cintra - He is a good player, but presently our squad is complete.
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Old 15-09-05, 23:50   #28
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Here's just a part from the top comments made by NBC sports commentators during the summer Olympics in 2004

Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

And the best one is:
Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?" :lol:
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Old 16-09-05, 01:33   #29
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One of the greatest ever, by Serbian TV commentator Nedeljko Kovinjalo, who still amuses us every week. Commentating one match of Brescia about 5 years ago:

"Now you can see Emanuelle Filippini with the ball...and interesting, on the bench there's another Filippini. And you won't believe me they were born on exactly the same day!..no, wait... they're actually twins." :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Old 16-09-05, 04:20   #30
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Milojko Pantic, biggest legend of Serbian TV commentators said

"Substitute with number 3 will join the game..last name:Minutes" 8O


:lol: :lol: :lol:
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